MESS Eat me bitch

Mess not only got lots of people excited about making a mess, but got us into some magazines. Edward, my turtle (no longer living - shame), usually very camera shy, has been popping up all over the mags this month. Now the most famous turtle in Joburg, I thought for the new Quilter and Workman range I’d go in search of some friends for him to play with. I missioned out to the West (also shame) and found a spot that specializes in taxidermy birds. Strange and beautiful…

Edward in H&L

Edward, Kate and I in VISI.

My sister Bronwyn Cane has recently returned to RSA and so I jumped in the car with her this weekend for a road trip to Durban. She’ll be working with Egg Design (the same firm who did Freedom Cafe and the new Craft you’ll see below) for a bit and then we’ll be joining together to design a homeware range tentatively called Of Quilters and Workmen, or something like that. Its based on the names of our Victorian great Grandmother and her daughter our Gran. You can expect something nostalgic & industrial.

FREEDOM CAFE 031-3094453 Number 36 Campbell Avenue

SAINT VERDE D666 - off the Dargle Impendle Road, Midlands
Open on the last Friday, Saturday and Sunday of each month

And lastly the launch week of CRAFT - the new offering from Neil R: the owner of Freedom Cafe. It is fantastic! (yes an exclamation mark - for reel). Italian food, with humour and generosity. Reminds me of something: hmmm: oh yes: Mess.

From eastvillageboys which is not technically about food, unless you swallow.

It’s that time again:

Shame:

(a) The awarding of dw eleven-13 in Dunkeld. I have never eaten there and feel no need to - this is not a restaurant review, but a polemic against foam. I do not want my asparagus deconstructed, ice-creamed or foamed. There is something perversely attractive about Heston and his exploded meringue methodology - but generally this provocation serves to remind me why I want roast chicken for supper. It seems to me at the moment that fucking-up food by blowing-it-up is quite a nasty and arrogant idea.

(b) Retail giants who put SASSI markings on their fresh fish but who sell tinned tuna that is SASSI red, with no marking, and with no shame. sis.

(c) South African designers who STEAL designs from better designers. Shame. (You know who you are)

(d) Mr Price Home: What The Fuck guys. When you started I thought IKEA South Africa - good taste for the proletariat. I still have mixing bowls from that epoch. And then? Does anybody want a square brown and bronze vase?

(e) The new bread for rolls at VIDA. sis. And actually VIDA in general - I’m so bored and your staff look bored too.

(f) The gallo image of the baker on our site 3 posts down. shame.

No shame:

(a) The generous benefactors who supported Mess for the last year: Adam Levy from 70 Juta, Dr & Misses from CO-OP (and WiTW), WITS Fine Arts, Rhys Ralph from Courtyard on 4th, Main Street Life.

(b) The cool kids in Cape Town who are always doing stuff. It’s exhausting and makes me glad to live Here. Drinks or coffee at The Power and the Glory, beer at &Union & coffee at Delux (and only coffee).

(c) Rossouw’s Restaurants for a better read and a pretty cover. Go JP.

(d) When the fuck do Cameron and Justin sleep? While we were sleeping they launched Merchantsandmakers that stocks really charming and pretty things. Fuck you guys.

(e) Anatomy Design’s black slate chopping board. Fuck you too Andrea.

WELCOME TO TWO-THOUSAND & ELEVEN PEOPLES!

Here’s our totally made up food trends for 2011. Agree? disagree? got better ideas? Feel free to project all you want in the comments section :)

MEXICAN - THE RE-APPROPRIATED VERSION

Using my high-tech food chart projection koki-pen system, I’ve come to my totally made up prediction. MEXICAN - THE RE-APPROPRIATED VERSION is not on any of the food trend listings - YET - and the world is poorer for that. but, I predict that people aren’t willing to give up coriander leaves, and no one can stomach Thai curries anymore. So, the logical step is Mexican. (See how easy projection is?).

1. Limes. tick.
2. Ceviche. tick.
3. Flatbreads. Made of corn. bonus.
4. Beans - very good! And good for you too!
5. Sour cream. Helllllooo.
6. Avocados (please, please check where your avo comes from tho).
7. Chocolate in food. chocolate pickers (otherwise known as oompaloompas) are finally getting better work arrangements. this means that your chocolate is going to get more and more expensive, and will basically become a luxury item. everyone likes something that is hard to get.
8. Another reason I think that I am right about this, is because of the Artisan Tequila trend that is sweeping the world. R50 for a shot? A shot that will instantly bind you and your fellow drinkers, in a way that no one can remember (or care to), without the 90s effect of throwing up? Yes please.
9. Fresh coriander/cilantro. still yum.
   

& HONOURARY LIFE MEMBER TO ALL FOOD GROUPS. Chilli. always, always cool.

PIES - TRENDING BUT I AM NOT SURE

Aren’t pies a bit 2007? And while i am here, not many people can actually get a chicken pie right - often way too bland. please use chicken stock people! not chicken stock cubes - they may have that nice 2-minute noodels msg vibe going, but u need actual chicken stock bone goo (gelatine) to get your chicken to a place where it doesn’t taste like soothing water.

OUR VERY WON BUBBLIES

On New Years we had a bottle of Moet (I say the T, but you don’t have to) and we had a bottle of Moreson. Which was better? Our very very own Moreson. We also love Kaapsevonkel, and as much as drinking Pongraz gets me ripped off (and makes me burp little bubbles of biscuit and apple) I still love it, cos well, I always have. With massive emphasis on regionality (is that a word), find a local MCC and love it too. (Am ambivalent about Krone, but am alone in this, as there are some serious lovers out there).

SO HOT. STILL COOL.

Bread. Yeah u carbo-haters. you are probably feeling very very left out on this one. Isn’t it awesome how the gluten-allergies have disappeared? If you used to suffer from gluten-intolerance, here is your new line. “Wow, you know what? I used to be allergic to gluten, but guess what? It was ACTUALLY the kak that they put into breads that I was allergic to. What a relief!” Pass them that loaf please. and the butter. and the apricot jam. smiles all round. Welcome back.

GO AWAY NOW, WE’RE TIRED OF YOU

Cupcakes! They were only good cos they were nostalgic, reminding u of your childhood birthday parties when u were too young to realise that Mummy was laughing at Uncle Frank’s jokes way too loudly. Once you’ve bitten into nostalgia a few too many times, it turns to sentimentality. Cupcakes are now the equivalent of I Will Always Love You, by Whitney Houston (not Dolly, she’s the non-saccharine original).

LAST POINTS

Red food dye does not a Red Velvet Cupcake make. Stop lying!
Whole foods - face, ears, feet - on the table. Use hands.
Crockery. Getting cooler and cooler.
Beer. Finally, right up there with wine in terms of what’s-that-I-taste-chattability. (And still the only thirst quencher after horseriding/insert own sport here).
Fish. We’re gonna miss you :( I will write a whole post on this soon.
Raw Food. Also a whole post.

HOW TO DO YOUR OWN PROJECTION.

1. Think of something food-related that is coming/is staying/should be going/has gone/ that u like/don’t like/can’t understand.
2. Type idea inside COMMENT section.
3. Prepare for Food Trending Fame Applause.

Ps - Apologies for the Getty image of a Bakerman - but I don’t actually have any photos of hot bakerguys. Yet. Any volunteers are very welcome. I’ll bring the butter and apricot jam.

It’s a lot of fun to use the word MESS. It’s even more fun to make it. This past weekend we outdid ourselves with a total of three Messy outings.

First up: Thursday at The Food, Wine & Design (Very FWD) Fair where - to use the old-fashioned and highly appropriate word - we got blotted.

A ROOFTOP. IN JOBURG. THAT SMELT LIKE THE GRAHAMSTOWN FESTIVAL.

We liked &Union beer.

DANCING AT THE BAR COUNTER. INSIDE A TENT.

We drank lots and lots of wine. The Marie Claire stand had bubbly. I even took a liking to the pink wine made by the Parlotone family. I know! I was devastated when I discovered that I was drinking it. I vowed never to drink it, ever again. I ate Toulouse Sausage In a Roll. Lots of salami tasters. Tasted mushrooms. We had so much fun we danced in the bark pieces. We even got ushered out.

Then it was off to The Office (Surprise!) where The Swazi Crew got down & um, dirty, dancing with the lights on, telling f-stories and smashing pizza in our faces (next door). I had complained about the yuk pizza at Anadomini - which I then ate. Everyones.

Second night out. Friday: Dinner @ Co-Op. They’ve leant us their pavement many a night. This night was their end-of-the-year dinner and we ate in the workshop.

The menu was big boiled salami with lentils, chorizo stew and bread, rabbit with crushed almonds wine and olives.

Artichokes because they are in season and who doesn’t love a green thistle covered in mayo and butter. Also, that sucking the leaf thing, nibbling the end with your bottom teeth creates a tactile lip sensation that most people are not totally aware of (yay for physiology).

IT’S LIKE KISSING. BUT IT’S A THISTLE.

Desert = brie and figs and pomegranates.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY “SORRY FOR STRETCHING” AT MESS.

With tasty and unusual wines & a clandestine supply of weed, the party was Very Mess. Not a weed smoker at the best of times, this was probably the worst. Here is my late night impression of the night.

DON’T DO DRUGS CHILDREN.

The NEXT night was the year end dinner for WITS Fine Arts students. They’ve also leant us their space many a time :) We watched the sun set from another Braamfontein rooftop,

THIS IS WHAT SETTING UP LOOKS LIKE.

watched the art-kids eat’n and went home before the next day :)

VIEW FROM THE KITCHEN

Another birthday, and another set of complaints from the neighbours. If you don’t like the noise of happy gay people then go live in a little face-brick house in Jukskei Park.

For lunch Karin made

Tortellini in brodo
Warm Vitello Tonnato
Roast pigeon & Toulouse sausages
Chocolate fondants

In that order

Photos by the lovely Kerry Friend

So here goes, lets play name-and-shame:

An incomplete list of places NEVER to eat at:

BITE in Greenside: its just gross, not much worse than bad sushi; Boat coffee 44: yuuurgh; Karma Greenside: sad, depressing, spooky; Doppio Zero: no comment;

An incomplete list of places other people like that we don’t get:

Sugo ParkNorth: many people we know go for the morning-after meatball sandwich but we find the pizzas lacklustre which is actually remarkably hard to achieve; Wolves: no comment; Nice Pkhurst: t.i.n.y t.i.n.y little-bird portions which leave me feeling hungrier and parks-jocks and their wives and first child in three-wheel perambulators; cnr. cafe (pronounced cooner cafe): instead of trying salmon acrobatics they should just work out how to make a good jock steak sandwich; Willoughby & Co Hyde Park: fish in a shopping centre - I want someone to explain this one to me; La Cucina Di Ciro: sad, dry veal in a pretty garden;

An incomplete list of places we like to eat at:

Trabella on Oxford: Lesbian-Pizza-hangout-for-Sunday-nights; Turn n Tender ParkNorth: a weekly steak dinner like the old day, 80s veg and meat with basting; Il Giardino 44: olive trees, and Saturday pm shade and live music (you pay for), Haute Cabrière and competent food; Salvation 44 for breakfast: although it often makes one wish there was actually somewhere else to take your hangover; Assaggi: ofcourse, just don’t piss off the nona in the kitchen or ask for any menu amendments (which we fully support - if it tasted better your way, then eat at home!); at Karin Botta’s house with Oliver Barstow chopping onions; Superette 218 Albert Road, Woodstock: a Dokter & Misses explosion of Whatiftheworld cool;

An incomplete list of places we like to eat at but that NO-ONE else gets:

Espresso Pkhurst: embarrassing to be sure but cheese sauce on cheese is just what undercover jocks like us actually like, especially wearing horse-riding gear with no shame; Giovannis on Rivonia rd Hyde Park; The Swiss Inn Douglasdale: yes Douglasdale.

Oh dear. Sarah says: “And Bellinis? Can you say lacklustre!? Overrated, bland menu that doesn’t ever change - served with a side order of jock types (and their girlfriends who clearly don’t eat anything anyway).” The problem is Sarah, I kind of like Bellinis: WASPs and jocks eating competent steak rolls with curly chips; no bookings and dressed-down-dressed-up ladies not eating - a great place for Monday supper or a 2nd date (if you’re not a girl that is). Just wrap a sweater casually around your shoulders and suck it up.

An incomplete list of places worth shopping at:

SuperSconto Orange Grove: imported Italian groceries at suspicious prices; THE SUPER: ofcourse; Thrupps Illovo: makes you feel R-I-C-H!; La Marina, Somewhere in The East: pigeon, quail, pheasant etc, all imported, at imported prices - damn that food-mile guilt;

Photos by Frans Borman