So here goes, lets play name-and-shame:

An incomplete list of places NEVER to eat at:

BITE in Greenside: its just gross, not much worse than bad sushi; Boat coffee 44: yuuurgh; Karma Greenside: sad, depressing, spooky; Doppio Zero: no comment;

An incomplete list of places other people like that we don’t get:

Sugo ParkNorth: many people we know go for the morning-after meatball sandwich but we find the pizzas lacklustre which is actually remarkably hard to achieve; Wolves: no comment; Nice Pkhurst: t.i.n.y t.i.n.y little-bird portions which leave me feeling hungrier and parks-jocks and their wives and first child in three-wheel perambulators; cnr. cafe (pronounced cooner cafe): instead of trying salmon acrobatics they should just work out how to make a good jock steak sandwich; Willoughby & Co Hyde Park: fish in a shopping centre - I want someone to explain this one to me; La Cucina Di Ciro: sad, dry veal in a pretty garden;

An incomplete list of places we like to eat at:

Trabella on Oxford: Lesbian-Pizza-hangout-for-Sunday-nights; Turn n Tender ParkNorth: a weekly steak dinner like the old day, 80s veg and meat with basting; Il Giardino 44: olive trees, and Saturday pm shade and live music (you pay for), Haute Cabrière and competent food; Salvation 44 for breakfast: although it often makes one wish there was actually somewhere else to take your hangover; Assaggi: ofcourse, just don’t piss off the nona in the kitchen or ask for any menu amendments (which we fully support - if it tasted better your way, then eat at home!); at Karin Botta’s house with Oliver Barstow chopping onions; Superette 218 Albert Road, Woodstock: a Dokter & Misses explosion of Whatiftheworld cool;

An incomplete list of places we like to eat at but that NO-ONE else gets:

Espresso Pkhurst: embarrassing to be sure but cheese sauce on cheese is just what undercover jocks like us actually like, especially wearing horse-riding gear with no shame; Giovannis on Rivonia rd Hyde Park; The Swiss Inn Douglasdale: yes Douglasdale.

Oh dear. Sarah says: “And Bellinis? Can you say lacklustre!? Overrated, bland menu that doesn’t ever change - served with a side order of jock types (and their girlfriends who clearly don’t eat anything anyway).” The problem is Sarah, I kind of like Bellinis: WASPs and jocks eating competent steak rolls with curly chips; no bookings and dressed-down-dressed-up ladies not eating - a great place for Monday supper or a 2nd date (if you’re not a girl that is). Just wrap a sweater casually around your shoulders and suck it up.

An incomplete list of places worth shopping at:

SuperSconto Orange Grove: imported Italian groceries at suspicious prices; THE SUPER: ofcourse; Thrupps Illovo: makes you feel R-I-C-H!; La Marina, Somewhere in The East: pigeon, quail, pheasant etc, all imported, at imported prices - damn that food-mile guilt;